Irish jokes are famous across the world, some good and some bad.
For the past 30 days, I have been sharing an Irish joke every day on my Facebook page.
To be honest, I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction they would get; surprisingly, the jokes reached over 1 million people! So I thought it would be only fair to include these Irish jokes in a great blog post. Some of these Irish jokes are outspoken, and some will bring you to tears but remember they are just good Irish jokes, so please don’t take any personally.
Irish Jokes the doctor.
After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.
“So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?” No,” replies the doctor, “take one on a Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that. “Two weeks later, the doctor walks down the street and sees the patient’s wife.” Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh, he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets, he would be all right.”, “Oh, the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that little green thing down there?”
The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry, “SPLBLBLBLT!,” right in the face and runs back to
the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,
“Hey, what is that thing, anyway?”
The Irishman replies, “Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.”
“Oh, all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go
back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered.
“Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!” he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry again, “SPLBLBLBLBT!”
This time the Englishman is really mad!
“Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again, I’ll Chop his
willie right off, I will!” he shouts.
“You can’t do that,” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t
have willies.”
“How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman.
“They don’t,” says the Irishman. “They go SPLBLBLBLBT.”
Dublin’s Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to get cancer?”
“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true?”
“Sure is, Patrick.”
“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“Yep.” “And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.” But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin’. . .
What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with.
Irish jokes the job interview
An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.
When the interview was over, the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”
“Oh yes, it is”, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”
The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a long while, the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not ninety-nine!” “Oh yes, it is”, said the Irishman, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off, so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all; therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not 100!”
“Oh yes, it most certainly is”, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent,
“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100
Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other, would you instead get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?
“Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean
“‘Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”
Irish jokes tiger woods
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant knows nothing about golf and greets him in a typical Irish manner, utterly unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, Sir,” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are dose? asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything
Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting,
“Your mum’s the best shag in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and sticks his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, “I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!”
Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bar’s far end. Ten minutes later, he returns and announces, “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!”
Finally, Collins interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed!”
A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River – $100.
He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river.
Another man walking down the street a half-hour later sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?”
The second man says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t do it last year.”
Sean had long heard of the story of a family tradition. It seems that his father, his grandfather, and his great grandfather, had all been able to walk on water on their 48th birthday. On that particular day, they would walk across the lake to their local pub, ‘Murphy’s Bar’, for their first legal drink. So when Sean’s 18th birthday arrived, he and his friend Mick took a boat, rowed out to the middle of the lake, and Sean stepped out of the boat. He immediately sank and nearly drowned. He was only saved by Mick, who managed to pull him back into the boat.
Furious and confused, he went to see his grandmother and said, “Gran ’tis my 18th birthday. So why can’t I walk across the water, like my father, me grandfather, and his father before him?” Grandma looked deep into Sean’s troubled eyes, looked at him with kind, benevolent eyes and said,
“Because they were all born in January, and the lake was frozen over; you were born in August, ye fecking eejit!!”
Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together, recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation. But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed. “I say, ’tis a remarkable dong you have there,” Paddy was prompted to remark. “Wasn’t always that way,” replied Mick. “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days,” he said.
“I got this done in Dublin. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it.” Paddy was envious. He packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin. It was a good six months before he ran into Mick once again, and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result. “You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand euros only,” said Paddy.
Mick could hardly believe it. Same address in Dublin, same doctor. Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look. Once more, they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared, and he started laughing.
“Why are you laughing?”
“No wonder you got it at half price,” Mick laughed. “That’s my old one!”
Paddy went to his local supermarket after a lunchtime session to do some shopping. With his list, he reached for the most enormous cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it. “Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you want the biggest one,” he winked.
“You’ve got me”, she giggled, “Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?” “No thanks,” said Paddy, “I’ve got better things to do with my time than be standing around watching a woman make sandwiches.”
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church…
‘Father’, he confessed,’ it been one month now since my last confession…
I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’ The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Marys..’
Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’ ‘A new woman in the neighbourhood, father, he replied. …
‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Marys’… At Mass the following day, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
A voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary… The eyes of every man in the Church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, ‘Is That Fanny Green …?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,’ No, Father, I think it’s just a Reflection from her shoes’…!!’
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving; late Sunday evening, he was found in a tree by a
farmer, What happened said the farmer; Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.
Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captain’s voice came over the loudspeaker. “ Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to have failed. There’s nothing to worry about, but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick.”
Five minutes later, he said, “Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late.” A moment later, “Er…sorry about this, ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up, and we will now be two hours later than expected.
One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. “ Good heavens, Patrick, do you realize that if the other engine fails, we’ll be here all night.”
Paddy drags a massive box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. ‘Where did you get this?’ asks the expert. It’s been in my loft for 40 years, to be sure,’ replies Paddy, ‘and I think it must be some kind of a family heirloom.” I see,’ says the expert. ‘Tell me, do you have insurance?”
No,’ replies Paddy. ‘Do yus think I shud?” Yeah,’ replies the expert. ‘It’s your water tank.
Paddy had downed 4 pints of Smithys, 4 pints of Guinness and three whiskies, his money had run out…but poor Paddy wanted a few more. He thought and thought of a way to get a few more Euros. He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note.
“I have kidnapped your dog. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money ..”
Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park in 2 hours’ time, “Signed, Paddy from Cork.” He pinned the note inside the little dog’s collar and told the dog to go straight home.
Two hours, later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note
“Here is your money .. I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed “the dog-owner”
I’ve just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, “watch out you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”
Paddy says, “yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”
I said, “what instructions, Paddy?”
Paddy says, “underneath the shoe, it says ‘Taiwan’.”
Paddy feared his wife Mary wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that paddy could perform t o give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here’s what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response. Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway, He thinks to himself I’m about 40 feet away let’s see what happens. In a normal tone, he asks “Mary what’s for dinner my lovely?” No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says” Mary what’s for feckin dinner ?”. Still no response.
He moves closer about 20 feet. “Mary, for Christ’s sake can ye be telling me what’s for dinner ?” Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing. So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me what’s for dinner?
She replied,
FOR F*** SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN.
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”
Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, “Ya have given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?” Paddy Irishman replies “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb sign on it.”
An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage on a train.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old-style train, there were no lights in the carriages, and it went completely dark.
Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Julia Roberts and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Englishman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking, “The Irish fella must have kissed Julia, and she missed him and slapped me instead.” Julia Robert was thinking, “The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.”
And the Irishman was thinking,
“This is feckin great, to be sure. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again.”
Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. They decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel chipping away at one of the headstones. “Jaysus Man, ya frightened the life outa us”
Paddy called as he caught his breath.”You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?” Joseph called. “My friends are such fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelt my name, and here I have to correct it!”
Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last one in and does the same. The bartender asks him, “Why did you do that?” And Paddy replies, “Well, the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick
An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer thinks that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says. This catches the Irishman’s attention, and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’ The Irishman doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-euro note and hands it to the lawyer.
He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’ The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on Google. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00. The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts, not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’ The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Don’t mess with the Irish!
Declan, Mick and Seamus entered the ir local pub’s weekly raffle, and to their surprise, they each won a prize: Declan a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush. The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted. Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush.
‘It wasn’t that great,’ he said. ‘I think I’ll go back to using paper.’
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!” Murphy watches in amazement. The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”
So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. “Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman. “Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy.
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000’. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’ The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square.’ The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’ ‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square.’ ‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind, I would like to come back at 10′ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock, the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’ The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that, and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Ireland’
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to Mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”
Paddy and Murphy are on holiday in Santa Ponsa and are running out of money when they see a sign that reads:
Spend 10 minutes in a room with a million flies and ear €2000
So Murphy goes in first and spends 1 minute in the room before running out and yelling,
F**k that, I can’t breathe, them fu***king flies are in my mouth! You’ll never do it Paddy!”
No sweat Murph! Get me in there.
So Paddy goes in and spends a full 10 minutes in the room and comes out…
Easyyy Murph, I did a shit in one corner and sat in the other!”
Murphy lost his eye in an accident and couldn’t afford the price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house. Finally, his friend Paddy came over and forced him to go out.
“There’s a dance over at the club,” he said. “So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?” “All right,” said Murphy, “but if anybody makes fun of my eye I’m leaving.” He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage.And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.
